I need to write. I've tried really hard not to. I save the reality and the uninhibited for the select few to whom I either send scraps of my fiction or rambling diatribes of my truth, and LJ, well LJ gets the leftovers. The observational humor and the daily grind. I feel I'm at an emotional juncture - I've tried indignation, I've tried justification, I've tried self-crucification on this cross of implicit guilt that was entirely of my own making. This is not a defensible or redeemable situation. I am in the sort of place where your only options are to leave or be swallowed completely into the void of anger, retribution, and greed. It was the brief glimpses of that great chasm that frightened me the most; that influenced my actions so that I would do whatever I could to avoid it. And my deepest fear is that this is what love is. That each of us is but a poorly constructed bridge over this rift of the soul and that even the slightest deviation from the path could leave us plummeting endlessly into whatever misery lies below.

But that is not the truth. More likely veracity lies in some more complicated metaphor that suggests some way to fill this void. And I've been around long enough to know that the easy answer is something along the lines of Jesus, but I remain unconvinced that this is the right solution.

That to say - up till now I have not filtered much from James. Moving forward, all things will be. With certainty, as the father of my children he has a place in my life, but there is no longer a place for him in my heart. My well of sympathy has dried up and the spring of guilt does not run so deep that it can quench this particular thirst. I have chosen my sins carefully and only committed the ones that shone with brighter promise than did the everlasting in which I do not quite believe.

In summary, good bye.

So, I did some stuff today. Here, let me tell you!




BONUS! Appearance by Misty! (she's not so sure that's a bonus)

sf_drama is trying to get a post to 10,000 comments. How many do you think I can get on this post? Random comments, macros, copypasta fanfic, jihad, whatever, bring it. I'll send a prize to the top commenter.

On your mark...

get set...

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